Mother’s Day started at 1:43am in our house. With vomit.
I don’t know what was going on with our 1 year old, seemed like a boot and rally situation. But it was definitely a two parent level boot. Glen got her cleaned up while I changed the sheets. Then he got her settled back in for night time routine #2 while I sat in bed waiting for the other shoe to drop. Knowing that I wouldn’t actually fall asleep until my daughter was sleeping soundly again, I checked my phone to pass the time.
Big mistake. Huge.
For some reason a publication I had sent an article to for consideration thought it best to send their rejections at 1:30am on Sundays. Cool cool cool. It’s not the first rejection email I’ve gotten. Certainly not. But they aren’t the most fun. And this one came right after vomit.
What Like It’s Hard?
It also came at a time when my confidence was a little shaken for other reasons. And when my confidence is shaken it is pretty unnerving because to be honest, I’m one of those obnoxious people with an overabundance of confidence.
Somewhere along the way I developed the kind of confidence that led me to try out for teams I probably wasn’t good enough for, run for Class President on an elaborate platform of “let’s have a prom!” and participate in
beauty pageants scholarship programs I had no business in. This confidence led me to raise my hand a lot, easily make fun of myself because I knew I could take the joke, and once record a cover of Meredith Edwards’ A Rose Is A Rose in my dad’s home office…
My confidence hasn’t been a bad thing. It’s kept me from having severe back troubles (no slouching here) and allowed me to wear whatever shoes I wanted (if he wants to be taller than me that sounds like a personal problem). It led me to some educational and professional achievements I’m proud of and to bringing a bright pink Easter grass looking comforter to college. My confidence has also given me the courage to make choices that maybe weren’t great, but led to funny stories.
I Couldn’t Handle the Truth
But of course I have my insecurities. I’d be the WORST if I didn’t. And they tend to rear their awkward teenage heads when my confidence has led me down a new highway and suddenly I realize that I still have my learner’s permit. Like this writing dream that is growing stronger by the day.
I feel confident that I’m moderately funny and I’m in a passionate love affair with the written word. My confidence tells me that it is a mostly requited love. We’ve found a groove. Yet it’s difficult not to play the comparison game. Like this past week when I learned that some other bloggers running in my circles have a readership more than 5 TIMES mine.
I took the news well, and by that I mean I thew up a little in my mouth. Then I proceeded to question all my hopes, dreams and talent or lack there of. I’m very happy for them and their well earned success. Sincerely! But at the same time Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart, you’re shaking my confidence daily. I can’t even wrap my head around that many people being interested in what I have to say.
Baby, You’re a Firework
Common sense (Glen) tells me that I need to put it all in perspective and that no writer, no situation is exactly the same. There isn’t any sense comparing and beating myself up about it. It’s time to put the well oiled armor back on and be that confident girl who lip synced on stage to Coolio in 7th grade. 1, 2, 3, 4, get that woman on the floor.
I have a lot left to learn about writing, and I’ll keep plugging along. My confidence doesn’t seem to have patience for pity parties and has been leading me to be uber intense about learning through every podcast, comedy special, and article known to womankind. I know that if I didn’t have that confidence I’d just hang up the blogging success dream, and the book writing dream, and that one really cool dream where I eat donuts with Tina Fey and she laughs at my jokes. It would be a shame to give up that last one especially.
I suppose where I am going with this is that Taylor Swift was right, if you get thrown off your game then you’ve got to shake it off, shake if off. And Demi Lovato was right, there’s nothing wrong with being confident. And Shakira was right, my hips definitely don’t lie.
With real hopes that I didn’t record over that Meredith Edwards cover with Coolio,
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